Apologies, Gentle Reader. I simply can’t bring myself to write about current events this morning; my mood’s too good. So instead, have a small collection of unintentionally (I hope) funny things found on church bulletin boards across America. Be prepared to do a lot of double-takes.
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She’s used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mother’s Club. All ladies wishing to become “Little Mothers” will meet with the Pastor in his study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth With Joy.”
Today… Christian Youth Fellowship Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A.B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
Tuesday at 4 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. Will ladies giving milk, please come early.
Wednesday the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Johns will sing “Put Me In My Little Bed” accompanied by the Pastor.
The service will close with “Little Drops of Water.” One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join her.
On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpeting. All wishing to do something on the carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper.
(And this one just about sums them all up…)
The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.’
3 comments
This reminds me of excerpts from a book I read thirty years ago called “Anguished English: A collection of student bloopers.”
There was a chapter in the book that dealt with “Things overheard in court” that dovetails with the above list.
There is also a chapter on student bloopers that had a few whoppers. Two of my favorites: “Rome was a city founded by twins whose mother was a wolf. They were called Romans because they didn’t stay in one place for very long.” and the second: “Ancient Greece is why we have history. It was a magical place filled with Minotaurs, flying horses, virgins and other mythical creatures.” enjoy.
“…virgins and other mythical creatures.”
Oh, come on. Guaranteed either the author made that up or the student was older than was intended to be inferred.
Yes, I enjoyed it.
Thank you, Francis. I laughed at every one.