There are enough people composing end-of-2024 summaries, don’t you think, Gentle Reader? So let’s try something different: looking forward instead of rearward. Who knows? Maybe, if we summarize 2025 optimistically and enthusiastically, the Flying Purple Shaft will be grounded due to excessively good weather and Murphy will take that long-overdue vacation. Besides, if the amazing longevity of our professional “talking heads” is any guide, we won’t be faulted for getting a prediction wrong. So summon up your “inner Criswell” and join with your Curmudgeon to put an anticipatory glow on the year to come.
First up, we have the seating of the new Congress. That comes on Friday, January 3. But it won’t be the same old humdrum ritual as always. No, this year a great many federal legislators, both veteran and freshly elected, will choose to stay home. Some will contact the networks to give windy statements as to why, after long and agonizing deliberation, they’ve decided not to play any more. Others will simply scrawl “BLEEP! this BLEEP!” on a used napkin and mail it to Mike Johnson, “Postage to be Paid by Addressee.”
The thirty-seven that agree to be sworn in as actual Representatives and Senators will hold an immediate joint session in which the 2024 election results will be certified without protest. Thereafter, a bipartisan bill will be brought to the floor and passed by voice vote. The text of the bill: “Let Trump handle it.” Both Houses will immediately adjourn sine die.
On Monday, January 20, before a wildly cheering crowd estimated at 330 million, Donald J. Trump will be inaugurated as the 47th President of these United States, without undue incident. President Trump’s speech will announce that, as a gesture of national good fellowship with which to start his second term of office, “Everybody here gets free ice cream tonight. Two scoops. I’ll cover it.” The crowd will return home happy and well-fed.
On February 14, Hollywood’s major motion-picture houses and their affiliated production companies will issue a joint announcement that neither sequels nor remakes nor superhero extravaganzas will be issued in 2025. (A private communique will be dispatched to Marvel and DC Comics: “BLEEP! this BLEEP! We’re done.”) Unemployed scriptwriters will be found on Los Angeles streetcorners holding cardboard signs that read “Will Write For Food.” Producers will importune Mackey Chandler, N. C. Reed, P. S. Power, Hans G. Schantz, and Margaret Ball for some fresh ideas. (Surprising no one, this guy’s phone will refuse to ring.)
The late winter and early spring will be quiet. America’s urban and suburban districts will be largely snow-free. The prices of all things petroleum or natural-gas-related will have fallen dramatically. On April 1, the retail price of gasoline will average $1.99 nationwide. American gas stations will go back to giving away free tumblers with a fill-up.
On April 20, Easter Sunday, the Holy See will issue a pronouncement, in all the major world languages, that the Orthodox, Anglican, Episcopalian, Lutheran, Presbyterian, Baptist, and Church of Christ denominations have agreed to rejoin the Catholic communion. (The title of the Vatican document: “We’re Getting The Band Back Together.” The title of the soon-to-be-ex-Protestants’ document: “BLEEP! this schismatic BLEEP!” Subtitle: “Just as long as there’s no selling indulgences!”) President Trump and whoever is Supreme Pontiff will celebrate the occasion with a round of golf at Mar-al-Lago.
With the return of warm weather will come a blockbuster that only your Curmudgeon could have predicted: American men will return to dressing like men. Collared shirts and slacks will be the rule rather than the exception. In an even more welcome development, American women will return to dressing like women. Dresses, skirts, nylons, and pumps will predominate. Sweatshirts, T-shirts, jeans, and sneakers will be all but absent from our streets. Pride of deportment will be visible everywhere.
On June 1, Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Poilievre will call the White House to ask how to petition for admission to the Union as the 51st state. To begin his globally televised announcement of the event, President Trump will grin and say “You thought I was kidding, didn’t you?” He will also announce the withdrawal of the United States from NATO. The nations of Europe will deliberate on whether to submit their own petitions for admission. Volodymyr Zelenskiy will call Vladimir Putin to ask “Can we be friends again? I mean, really?”
On Flag Day, June 14, the skies over America will blossom with flags from border to border and coast to coast – American flags. The LGBTQ+ / “woke” Rainbow banner is nowhere to be seen.
The July 4, Independence Day celebrations will feature the nation’s first coast-to-coast barbecue! A ceremonial red, white, and blue hot dog will be grilled on the White House lawn and passed westward fork-to-fork, to be ceremonially consumed by Tim Allen on the sidewalk before Grauman’s Chinese Theatre. The chain of happy grill masters will remain intact (and mostly cooking) until Midsummer’s Day, August 6.
On Wednesday, September 3, the nation’s official first-day-of-school, enlightenment will simultaneously descend upon America’s “educators,” who will spontaneously proclaim “BLEEP! this ‘woke’ BLEEP! We’re going back to teaching.” American schoolchildren, shocked into paying attention for the first time in decades, will go back to learning.
The weeks before October 31 will see the biggest surge of retail sales in the nation’s history. While most of the purchases will be for lawn ornaments and slutty costumes, American retailers will nevertheless be pleased. The ghost of Monty Hall will be spotted roaming the streets of Los Angeles, plaintively asking “Why is no one dressed like a chicken?”
November 27, Thanksgiving Day, will be truly thankful. Retailers will close for the day and refrain from promoting bogus “sales” for Black Friday, which will be no more tumultuous nor disorderly than any other weekday.
The Christmas season will bring an explosion of decorations. Nativity scenes will be everywhere, including in public places. “Keep Christ in Christmas” bumper stickers will be ubiquitous. “A Charlie Brown Christmas” and the 1951 A Christmas Carol will be streamed free by all the major providers. Gift-givers will eschew electronic gadgets in favor of more personal expressions of affection and regard.
And on Christmas Day, December 25, a nationwide broadcast will feature President Trump in a Santa Claus suit, complete with red-and-white cap. His address will be succinct: “God bless us, every one!”
Fanciful? Aspirational? Of course! What did you expect from your Curmudgeon? But all of it could happen. Don’t you wish that it would?
Whatever may come, a Happy New Year to you all from the Co-Conspirators of Liberty’s Torch!
3 comments
What a wonderful vision for 2025! If even a fraction of that comes true, I’ll be a happy camper. In the meantime, I’ll be here, trying to make things better in my little corner of the world. I hope everyone at Liberty’s Torch has I great year.
May I propose a somewhat shorter but likely more accurate prediction? (I’m going to regardless of whether you want me to do so or not.) Here goes. Ahem….
Same shite, different day.
Any thoughts on whose prediction is more likely to come to pass?
I would add that justice prevail and that those who have harmed the public in the name of the State receive their just rewards and furthermore I loose 20 pounds.