Category: humor

A Stunning Advance In Translation Technology

     With the rapid ascent of “artificial intelligence” software have come considerable strides in an area that’s long interested me: software that can easily and usefully translate among languages. And yes: AI is definitely required to do the job properly. The reason is the idiosyncratic nature of human communication. We rely on idioms and cultural …

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Why I Am Not A Republican

     Republican Party partisans and assorted functionaries have on several occasions striven to persuade me that I “belong” in the Republican Party. I countered that I belong elsewhere – specifically, in that void where no party goes – but my interlocutors seldom take me seriously.      A nice person on Gab has developed a graphical …

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“Shoulds”

     Among the utterly invaluable bits of life advice I’ve received from older and wiser heads – no, not recently — several stand out as gems of wisdom that deserve to be immortalized: “Get a shot off fast.” “Don’t sit with your back to the door in a public place.” “Don’t go ‘round breakin’ young …

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How Shall I Proclaim Thee “Not All There?”

     Let me count the ways… His elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top. His bread isn’t done in the center. The lights are on but nobody’s home. His oil doesn’t reach the dipstick. He’s a few sandwiches short of a picnic. He’s a nugget or two short of a Happy Meal.      …

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BRRRING!

     Good morning, Gentle Readers! Today is a very special day, for several reasons. For one thing, it’s Martin Luther King Jr, Day. On the third Monday of January each year, we commemorate the life and achievements of that famous icon of plagiarism and philandering that helped to make the Sixties a decade to be …

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“Stop! Stop! Danger Will Robinson!”

     We have all – well, most of us – known the frustration of trying to scrape a thick sheet of ice off a windshield. It can test the patience of the most patient man, especially if the temperature and the snow are still falling and he forgot to bring gloves that day. Continental New …

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Conversations

     This just in: The C.S.O. made our morning decaf and alerted me to its readiness. I naturally scampered to the kitchen and poured a cup. A few minutes later I returned for my second cup, and the following exchange ensued: CSO: Back so soon? FWP: I finished my first cup, so I’m here for …

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Conversations

     “There’s about five fetishes you’ve got to go through to play the trombone….I was taught you should start warming up on a low note.” – Leo Kottke      Happy New Year, Gentle Reader, especially to those in the audience who are “warming up on a low note” this morning. Have a “low note” to …

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Conversations

     From the “Questions No One Is Asking” division: FWP: What do you think would happen if a jug band were to appear for a scheduled concert without its jug? Say if it was broken in an accident on the way over? CSO: Horror of horrors! FWP: Well, yes, but would the show go on? …

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Conversations

     Life really is getting too complicated for the average schlump: FWP: Say, you know those fancy plug-‘em-in massage chairs? The kind that cost three of four thousand dollars? CSO: Yeah… FWP: What do you do if yours breaks down? CSO: Hm. FWP: Do you think there’s an industry of massage chair repairers? CSO: I …

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Conversations

     They say laughter is the best medicine. I try not to argue with They; it tends to rebound unpleasantly. At the very least, laughter is an analgesic of sorts. It provides temporary relief from the ever-strengthening feeling that…well, that the only thing left to do is unpack the sniper rifle and the emergency stash …

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The Timeless Wisdom of Winnie The Pooh

     As you’ve probably already concluded from my habit of stippling my pieces here with quotations, I’m always on the hunt for pithy sayings, clever epigrams, and thought-provoking observations. Brevity isn’t just the soul of wit; it also maximizes your chance of actually getting an idea through the ever-more-substantial blockades around others’ brains. Lately, I …

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Conversations

     As I’ve mentioned before, the C.S.O. and I have been watching a great many British murder mysteries and police procedurals since we terminated our cable-TV subscription. Beth loves the genre, and I’m willing to go along with whatever viewing fare she prefers as long as it holds the trendy PC crap to a minimum. …

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I Almost Missed It!

     Glory be to God! Today, as I’ve only just discovered, celebrates my favorite ASCII character: one without which a great many important phrases – including a lot of company names – would be both longer and less memorable: It’s World Ampersand Day!      Yes, Gentle Reader, the mighty ampersand has been honored with a …

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Conversations

     Overheard at a local tavern: 1st Guy: What time’s the AA Meeting? 2nd Guy: Three. 1st Guy: (glances at wall clock) We better get goin’. Sal’s bringing the doughnuts. 2nd Guy: The chocolate cream ones? 1st Guy: Yeah. 2nd Guy: (slams down his drink) Don’t wanna miss them!      As a friend of mine …

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Prime Ministers Just Wanna Have Fun?

     Well, maybe. Consider Finnish Prime Minister Sanna Marin:      Finland’s Prime Minister is Sanna Marin, 36 years old and pretty. Over the last week or so, Marin has been caught up in a series of scandals–or are they pseudo-scandals? What is clear is that she likes to party, while her husband apparently doesn’t.      …

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De Gustibus Dept.

     This has been on the Web about 2317 billion times. Even so, I can’t help but laugh every time I see it:      I suppose that makes me a little strange…or a Y-chromosome bearer. Whatever.

Individuality And Sex

     Is this or is this not a strange combination? ***      Recently, Carl Trueman, a professor of Biblical and Religious Studies at Grove City College, released Strange New World, a study of contemporary notions of identity, with emphasis on the Sexual Revolution. The book is a condensation of his earlier book The Rise and …

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Conversations

     This one just took place: FWP: Say, is Jamie Lee Curtis related to Tony Curtis? [spoiler alert: she’s his daughter] CSO: Why do you expect me to know? FWP: You’re the one who reads Entertainment Weekly. CSO: That subscription was by mistake! FWP: Yeah yeah, but you read it anyway. CSO: I don’t know. …

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Culinary Customs

     Kenny “Wirecutter” Lane has a brief tale for us:      My ex-wife slopped [mayonnaise] on everything. We went through more mayonnaise in a month than I did in a year before I met her.      About the only thing I’ll use it on is a ham or bologna sandwich, but she’d slather it on …

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