Category: humor

Warning!

     If you live in a small town and have some degree of prominence, it is vital to be on good terms with the editor of the town’s newspaper. This is especially important if you and he are of different faiths. The following story will give you an inkling as to why. Father O’Malley, the …

Continue reading

Conversations

     It has come to my attention that an increasing number of media outlets don’t exactly “report the news,” as you and I would understand the practice. Rather, an editor will give a reporter an idea for an eye-catching story, prescribe the desired slant, and tell him to go forth and gather “facts.” The ever-widening …

Continue reading

For The Clean Minded

     Sometimes, the value of something from the Web lies in the memories it inspires:      Like now:      “They teach us to remember; why do they not teach us to forget?” – Francis A. Durivage, Nineteenth Century American magazine writer.      “Beats the shit out of me.” – Francis W. Porretto, Curmudgeon Emeritus to …

Continue reading

Evil: A Little Something To Lighten The Mood

     [“Heavy” topics can be usefully leavened with humor, if the humorous material is relevant. Herewith, a piece I wrote back in 2010, about a distant culture with a…peculiar view of criminal self-indulgence. — FWP] The Scourge: A Report From Epsilon Eridani III      Those boys over at NASA have not been idle. Oh, no, …

Continue reading

Groundhog Day Backlash?

     Seventy-two years now, and I still fail to understand how things become a big deal in our public discourse.      “What’s the old bat talking about now?” I hear you mumble. For the first time in many a moon, I find that I must disagree with a Liberty’s Torch Co-Conspirator. Apparently, our beloved Ragin’ …

Continue reading

Phooey on your modern made up holidays

I like ground hog! I’d even try groundhog if I could, but they’re a bit further East than I am.

Humor And The Great Distribution

     If you’ve kept in touch with sociopolitical trends these past few decades, you’ve surely noticed that the spokesmen of the Left are full of plans for “re-educating” us uncultured barbarians in the Right. There must be something wrong with us not to see things as they do, they “reason,” so once they’ve got sole …

Continue reading

Things You Do Not Want To Hear Around Christmastime

1. On the phone:      “Mr. Porretto, my name is John Smith, and I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.” 2. From your Significant Other:      “There’s water seeping out from under the kitchen cabinets.” 3. From anyone, anywhere:      “Say, doesn’t that guy look a lot like John McClane?      Got any favorites of your …

Continue reading

This Is Too Uplifting Not To Post

     It’s been quite a few years since I last dated…thirty-two years, to be exact. So the vicissitudes of the dating-and-mating dance are no longer among my regular concerns. But every now and then I encounter a story that makes me think.      “Think what?” I hear you ask. Well, it might be something along …

Continue reading

How Much Worse Could It Get?

     In reflecting on the piece below, it struck me that today’s federal government has become so thoroughly corrupt – so anti-American — that I’d be hard pressed to name a government anywhere or anywhen that compares unfavorably to it. And as usual when I’m only half awake, that started a fresh train of half-facetious …

Continue reading

This Wins The Internet For Today

     There are 13 minerals that are essential for human life, and all of them can be found in Wine. Coincidence? I Think Not! — Diogenes Sarcastica      Applause, Diogenes, you tall, brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning placental mammal, you. But then, others have expressed that sentiment as well:      “An ancient writer said …

Continue reading

A Little Pre-Thanksgiving Silliness

     I’m no longer allowed, for the sake of my health, to eat my way into a coma. That makes the annual Thanksgiving Day dinner a bittersweet event: all those goodies, and I’m allowed perhaps a tablespoonful of each! But I have my memories of Thanksgiving feasts in bygone years. They must suffice.      But …

Continue reading

Why Don’t We Have Soccer Riots?

     Well, there are at least two reasons: There aren’t that many fanatic soccer fans in the United States; So we have Black Friday instead.      “But why,” I hear you ask, “don’t the British have Black Friday?” The C.S.O. maintains that most of their energies are dispersed in soccer riots. (The rest go to …

Continue reading

Stories Told In Song

     I love a song that tells a good story. Here’s a traditional, performed by Pentangle: In Bruton town there lived a farmer Who had two sons and one daughter dear. By day and night they were contriving To fill their sister’s heart with care. One told his secrets to no other, but to his …

Continue reading

Events To Commemorate

     If you’re not a devotee of unusual holidays, you might not know that today is National M&M Day. The M&M, one of America’s iconic candies, is exceptionally versatile. Not only can you eat them “raw” or bake them into cookies and brownies, you can also play Go with them. The rules differ only slightly …

Continue reading

Hold The Front Page And Alert The Networks!

     Someone has finally answered our pleas:      Charmin has announced a new design in its toilet paper for the first time in 100 years — and it’s not what you think.      The mega-brand announced on Monday, Oct. 2, that the Ultra Soft rolls of toilet paper will have a new perforation line.      …

Continue reading

If You Think American Politics Is Insane…

     …enjoy this short, satirical but thematically dead-on-target view of Italian politics: pic.twitter.com/3Ev3ddULYh — ONT WTF (@OntWtf) September 29, 2023      I couldn’t improve on that if I had five years to do it.

Time Flies Like An Arrow…

     (…fruit flies prefer bananas.)      Shamelessly stolen from Mike Hendrix:      And to think it’s only been…45 years? 45 years?!      Oy!

Conversations

     Haven’t had one of these in a while, have we? CSO: Owww! FWP: What’s the matter, Sweetie? CSO:The water just got too hot, that’s all. FWP: Well, then that was the wrong noise! CSO: Hm? FWP: “Owww!” is the wrong noise for too-hot water. You’re supposed to say “Aieee!” CSO: Are you feeling all …

Continue reading

Be Careful What You Ask For

     You might get it:      I feel for him. Don’t you?

Load more