The super-secret investigators of Liberty’s Torch have made a shocking discovery. Anthony Fauci, for more than a year the federal government’s most recognizable face as regards all things COVID-19, has been revealed as a high executive of the Umbrella Corporation:
RACCOON CITY: Earlier today, Anthony Fauci was overheard deep in conversation with Albert Wesker, CEO of the Umbrella Corporation. He was heard to apologize for producing “this feeble piece of shit,” by which he apparently meant the COVID-19 virus, rather than succeeding in producing the hypothesized T-virus through which Umbrella had hoped to gain complete control of the world.
Wesker made passing reference to a “Dr. Isaacs,” who is apparently continuing research into the refinement of the virus under strict security standards. However he did not say anything that would indicate the degree of progress made to date. At that point a security executive whom Wesker addressed as “Alice” appeared and spirited them out of range of our directional microphones. Men in black suits and aviator sunglasses then descended upon our investigators and led them away for “sanitizing.” The home office hasn’t heard from them since, but we continue to monitor the environs.
We here at Liberty’s Torch regard this story as “developing.”
