From The “You Don’t Say?” Files

     I was sitting in the waiting area of the neighborhood car wash, being subjected, as we all are from time to time, to a “complimentary” television broadcast. It was set to a local news station, and I could neither turn it off nor change the channel. I did my best to shut it out, until the broadcaster played a rather curious commercial. It was for a plastic surgery group.

     What made it “curious,” you ask? Well consider this opening line from its pitch:

     “Plastic surgery is a very personal thing.”

     You know, I never would have guessed. I’d always thought an alteration to the very structure of your body was just one more thing you order from Amazon. It would come in a corrugated cardboard box, delivered by a UPS truck if you’re one of the hoi polloi, or an Amazon truck if you’re a Prime subscriber. Not these plastic surgeons! They actually sit with you and talk to you – ask you what you’d like nipped off or tucked in. And then they do as you’ve asked, rather than just selecting a look out of a catalog!

     But wait: there’s more! The pitch continued in a most reassuring (and not at all varicose) vein:

     “We treat each patient as an individual.”

     ALERT THE MEDIA! At long last, a plastic surgery group whose surgeons don’t operate on large groups of patients in a football-field-sized operating theater, assembly-line fashion!

     Gentle Reader, I wish I could…but I can’t. Do have a nice day!