For Fathers’ Day: The Husband Shop

     It was a new establishment. Jane had only heard about it, but at the conclusion of her Saturday bachelorette’s shopping for the week, she decided to give it a look. After all, at age thirty a woman’s prospects have thinned considerably. It wasn’t that she could hear the biological clock ticking, but she was aware that some effort…possibly even some expense…would be required of her if she was to avoid spinsterhood. So she entered the five-floor structure, murmuring “I’m just here to look around” in case there was anyone within earshot.

     The first floor was warehouse-like. On display were a number of very workman-like men, most of them in overalls or similar sturdy garb. A sign stood next to the turnstile before the display:

These Men Have Jobs.

     None of them thrilled her – having a job was the least of her requirements – so she mounted the escalator to the second floor.

     The second floor displayed men who looked fairly similar to the ones on the first floor. However, the sign at the turnstile was different:

These Men Have Jobs,
And Love Kids.

     “Hmmm,” said Jane. “That’s an attraction – we’d have to get to work on a family pretty promptly – but perhaps I can still do better. So she mounted the escalator to the third floor.

     On the third floor she saw displays of men who were tall, well built, well groomed, and handsome of face. These made her heart beat faster. The sign at the gate told her that:

These Men Have Jobs,
Love Kids,
And Are Very Good-Looking.

     “Now we’re rockin’,” thought Jane. But there were two more floors. She had to know what more could possibly be on offer. So she mounted the escalator to the fourth floor.

     The men displayed on the fourth floor were just as good-looking as those on the third, but each of them held a cleaning implement – a broom, a mop, a pail, a sponge, and so forth – as well. The sign at the gate was almost irresistible:

These Men Have Jobs,
Love Kids,
Are Very Good-Looking,
And Don’t Mind Housework.

     “Good grief,” thought Jane. “How much better than that can a man get?” But she had to know what was on the fifth floor. The men there had to be the ultimate in masculine attraction. So she mounted the escalator to the fifth floor.

     The fifth floor was empty except for the turnstile and a large electronic billboard:

You Are The 31,415,728th Woman
To Visit This Floor.
There Are No Men Here.
It Exists To Illustrate A Terrible Fact:
There’s No Pleasing Some Women.
This Way To The Down Escalator.
Have A Nice Day!


1 comment

  1. And, yet, all of those attributes are external, and considerably less important than:

    Strong religious foundation
    Good character
    Easy to get along with (without being a wimp)
    Respectful of others
    Takes responsibility for his own

    Those are probably MORE important. I might add (from the perspective of someone in a nearly-50 year marriage):

    Handy (If women don’t find you handsome, they should at least find you handy)
    Reasonably sober (might occasionally indulge, but not habitually)
    Not given to exceeding the family budget, nor tolerating a spouse that does
    Takes responsibility for raising children and molding their character

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