Now They’ve Gone Too Far

     Maybe we’ve stood still and silent while they ruined the economy, destroyed the nation’s energy supplies, choked the ports, fed our Strategic Petroleum reserve to China, and led us to the brink of nuclear Armageddon, but we can’t let them get away with this!

     Now Unilever, the far-Left corporate giant that brings us Ben & Jerry’s Marxist ice cream and other frozen delicacies, is doing its part by making its ice cream freezers significantly warmer, so that now if global warming doesn’t melt your dessert, Unilever’s woke freezers will take care of that for you on their own.

     The Wall Street Journal reported Wednesday that Unilever is working on ways to “warm up its ice cream freezers in convenience stores without turning its products into puddles.” This quixotic endeavor is, we’re told, “part of a broader effort to pursue green goals and potentially boost sales in the process.” Warmer, softer ice cream that melts faster is going to boost sales? Well, maybe because after the whole thing runs down one’s hand in a gooey, sticky mess, some people will valiantly buy another ice cream and try again, but that’s not likely to be a high percentage of frozen delicacy consumers. Unilever doesn’t appear to have thought this through.

     By threatening our ice cream supply, Unilever threatens our very way of life. This must not stand! There must be a Twenty-First Century Jacquerie! America’s prepubescents must beat their popsicle sticks back into swords and brandish them threateningly at Unilever’s corporate headquarters!

     While you’re at it, make mine Breyers’ Coffee. Two scoops, please.