Hold The Front Page And Alert The Networks!

     Someone has finally answered our pleas:

     Charmin has announced a new design in its toilet paper for the first time in 100 years — and it’s not what you think.

     The mega-brand announced on Monday, Oct. 2, that the Ultra Soft rolls of toilet paper will have a new perforation line.

     The easy-tear paper will have scalloped edges in an effort to give consumers a simpler and smoother tear, according to Charmin.

     Fantastic. Not since Theodore Sturgeon wrote “It was nothing—Really!” has any vendor grappled with this intractable problem. Did he not tell us, in the simplest possible manner, that perforating a sheet of paper in the conventional fashion makes it stronger? Did he not explain the physics behind this curious phenomenon so lucidly that there could be no misunderstanding? Have we not ruined enough checks, ripped enough printouts, and fumed over enough shreds of paper towel to grasp the hidden truth of the thing? Yet our miseries have continued unabated…until now!

     All praise to you, Charmin management. If there’s a Nobel Prize for paper engineering, this is your year to receive it. Bless you.