Marital Matters

     This might become an occasional feature at Liberty’s Torch. There are few things that interest me more than the pressures on marriage and families today. The rise of militant feminism has exacerbated the natural tensions that will always exist between men and women. Yea verily, even when he’s an actual man and she’s an actual woman. Nowhere have those tensions produced funnier / sadder stories than in the last moments before the supposedly happy couple tie the knot.

     In all probability, as few of my Gentle Readers live in an unelectrified cave, you’ve heard the term “Bridezilla” and have read a few tales about such. A “Bridezilla” story that amuses you will seldom be about someone you’re fond of. That would make it too painful. But some such tales are instructive, and deserve to be propagated. The following is one such, shamelessly stolen from the frugal-living publication Money Awaits:

     The bride was always complaining about how the groom was “wishy-washy” with picking a date, while he was always silent. The mother of the bride was your stereotypical Brooklyn Jewish Mother and had her hand in EVERYTHING to make sure things were perfect for her little princess.

     Well, the engagement party starts, and everyone except for the couple seem to be having a great time.

     Then, halfway through the party, we suddenly heard the girl scream at her fiancé “WE WILL NEVER HAVE A CHRISTMAS TREE IN MY HOUSE, SO YOU CAN GET OVER IT!!!!” And from there it devolved into a shouting match between the couple, who moved from the banquet room to the lobby so their “guests” couldn’t hear the argument.

     (Didn’t work. They heard everything).

     Apparently, she was Jewish and he was Protestant and not once in their relationship had they discussed religion. They went at it on and off for two hours.

     She was screaming at the top of her lungs about how their (non-existent) children would be raised Jewish, and how his traditions didn’t matter. Her mother was standing at her side, nodding in agreement, and interjecting occasionally with a “that’s right” or “you tell him.”

     The groom was pleading for her to at least compromise to let him at least invite his pastor from his hometown for the wedding, and said that their (non-existent) children could possibly do things with his parents for Christmas, even if they didn’t celebrate.

     The guests just kept partying, pretending nothing was happening, but you could see on all of their faces that they wanted to leave.

     Only, well, they couldn’t since they would have to pass by the couple to get to the only exit. Only after two hours and the argument eventually devolving into her INSISTING her children would never see a Christmas tree in their whole lives, the groom finally dejectedly said, “Well then maybe this isn’t going to work.”

     She threw her ring at him and said, I swear to god, “THEN WHY DID YOU LET ME MAKE YOU PROPOSE?!?!?!?!?!?!” She then changed her mind, picked up the ring, and said, “Whatever. I’m keeping this.” Then she stormed off. Her mother looked at her ex-potential-son-in-law, told him he was an idiot for letting her baby go, and went after her.

     I’ve NEVER seen a banquet room clear out so fast. Within 15 minutes, everyone was gone and it was a ghost town. From the looks of it, everyone took their “gifts” with them, too.

     I hope Money Awaits won’t be too ticked off at me for lifting that tale wholesale from its pages. It’s one vignette in a much longer article. While the other Bridezilla incidents it recounts are amusing in the horrifying way that characterizes the genre, the one I filched speaks volumes. It asks questions that every man must ask his beloved before they “get serious:”

• What are your religious beliefs?
• Do you have an aversion to any other religious beliefs or practices?
• If we have children, in what religion will we raise them?

     Moreover, he must be satisfied with nothing less than absolutely clear answers, and he must be convinced that they will not change.

     Clearly, the groom-to-be in the above story never made such a demand of his intended. He probably lacked the courage. The consequences speak for themselves.