Experts, The Bane Of Our Times

     Aren’t you sick of them? I am… and I was one, back when.

     Experts – sometimes called “authorities” – seem to be everywhere today. And all of them ceaselessly proclaim this or that in stentorian tones. Nutrition experts, who all want to work for a government. Exercise experts, who drop dead while running. Financial and investing experts, who mysteriously vanish after a recession or two. Relationship experts, all of whom are multiply divorced. Self-help experts, after psychiatrists and dentists the most suicide-prone occupation in America! I could go on, but what point would there be in that?

     Robert A. Heinlein was famously dismissive of experts:

     “Always listen to experts. They’ll tell you what can’t be done, and why. Then do it.”

     He meant it, Gentle Reader. On occasion, someone would call him an expert, and he would immediately demur. I have many reasons for admiring the old bat, but that one is at the top of the heap.

     Experts share at least two distinguishing characteristics:

• They believe themselves to be definitively knowledgeable about something;
• They never shut up.

     As bad as they are – avoid them at parties, for the sake of your sanity – there’s worse. For within the universe of experts there exists a supremely malevolent subgroup. This group can be found orating in the pages of every newsweekly’s Sunday-supplement ever published. And they demand to be obeyed.

     By their cognomen shall ye know them:

     It is these terrors from the Stygian depths whom I most greatly fear.

     When some opinion-mongering writer wants to bludgeon you with his preferences for something, he’ll invoke “some experts.” He needn’t name them. They’re experts, dude! What more do you want? Oh, occasionally he’ll toss in a named individual who has a pithy quote to offer, but it’s entirely optional. The designation as experts is sufficient unto the day and the evils thereof. To those who might be tempted to doubt their authority, their membership in the dreaded constellation “some experts” is warning enough.

     We have a fine example before us today, from the pages of the Wall Street Journal:

     The U.S. government, which recommends that adults eat three servings of dairy a day, is taking a fresh look at its guidance. A committee of scientific advisers is analyzing diets with lower amounts of dairy to study what happens to people’s nutrient levels. That is the first step toward possibly changing the recommendation in the next update of the country’s dietary guidelines. Other countries already recommend less dairy than the U.S. does.
     The problem? Dairy-rich diets have been linked to increased risks of cardiovascular disease and certain cancers in some studies. Foods like ice cream, full-fat cheese and pizza are high in calories and saturated fat.
     However, the research isn’t clear-cut. Some studies link dairy foods to a lower risk of heart disease, some cancers and Type 2 diabetes. When it comes to milk, scientists can’t agree on whether full fat or skim is better.
     Long story short: Go ahead and enjoy your Greek yogurt and that mozzarella in your caprese salad. Just don’t have too much; some experts say one serving a day—one cup of yogurt or 1.5 ounces of the cheese—is good.

     My eyes were wide in horror by that last paragraph. “Some experts” had spoken. We cheese and yogurt lovers are doomed! As if worse were possible, “some experts” had reposed their expertise in that most terrible of instruments of torture: “some studies.” Truly, the last days are upon us.

     Gentle Reader, I… I can’t… no, forgive me, please. It’s just too much.

     The world of “nutrition experts” must be a highly contentious one. For every book on proper diet there’s one that recommends the exact opposite. More meat / less meat. More fat / less fat. More carbs / Fewer carbs. Avoid this grain / nonsense! That grain is the Fountain of Youth! Take this supplement / Hell, no! That crap will kill you!

     I have a suggestion: Eat what your body tells you to eat.

     The body has cravings for a reason. It wants certain foods and certain minerals at certain times. They may not be what you like best – I have yet to crave Cheez Doodles^®, Breyers’ coffee ice cream, or Harvey’s Bristol Cream Sherry – but you’d probably be a little better off, at least, for slaking the craving. If you can identify the craving, pander to it a little.

     And should you encounter a “nutrition expert” who simply won’t shut up about eschewing dairy or cutting down on red meat, invite him to a one-person banquet and serve him this:

     It’s a Jello mold of SpaghettiOs, with a center of Vienna sausages. Trust me, he’ll love it. Don’t let him leave the table until he’s cleaned his plate.

     We learn mostly by making mistakes, recognizing them and what caused us to make them, then fixing them and continuing on. That’s the negative-feedback cycle that powers the acquisition of that most important of all personal assets, practical knowledge for living. It won’t make you an expert in anything but living your own life in the context in which you live it… but really, what could be more valuable than that?

     It seems to me that one of the Information Era’s biggest and most damaging mistakes is paying too much attention to “experts.” There’s a reason Liberty’s Torch has a category for them. Take heed: they will steer you this way and that, one command after another in unending procession until your head spins, and they will never, ever pay any costs for the harm their “expertise” does you. That’s another distinguishing characteristic of the “expert:” he pays no costs for the consequences of his advice. Those lie solely upon the backs of the fools who heed him.

     Enjoy your milk, yogurt, and cheese.