Among the utterly invaluable bits of life advice I’ve received from older and wiser heads – no, not recently — several stand out as gems of wisdom that deserve to be immortalized: “Get a shot off fast.” “Don’t sit with your back to the door in a public place.” “Don’t go ‘round breakin’ young …
Category: humor
Jan 20 2023
How Shall I Proclaim Thee “Not All There?”
Let me count the ways… His elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top. His bread isn’t done in the center. The lights are on but nobody’s home. His oil doesn’t reach the dipstick. He’s a few sandwiches short of a picnic. He’s a nugget or two short of a Happy Meal. …
Jan 16 2023
BRRRING!
Good morning, Gentle Readers! Today is a very special day, for several reasons. For one thing, it’s Martin Luther King Jr, Day. On the third Monday of January each year, we commemorate the life and achievements of that famous icon of plagiarism and philandering that helped to make the Sixties a decade to be …
Jan 11 2023
“Stop! Stop! Danger Will Robinson!”
We have all – well, most of us – known the frustration of trying to scrape a thick sheet of ice off a windshield. It can test the patience of the most patient man, especially if the temperature and the snow are still falling and he forgot to bring gloves that day. Continental New …
Jan 06 2023
Conversations
This just in: The C.S.O. made our morning decaf and alerted me to its readiness. I naturally scampered to the kitchen and poured a cup. A few minutes later I returned for my second cup, and the following exchange ensued: CSO: Back so soon? FWP: I finished my first cup, so I’m here for …
Jan 01 2023
Conversations
“There’s about five fetishes you’ve got to go through to play the trombone….I was taught you should start warming up on a low note.” – Leo Kottke Happy New Year, Gentle Reader, especially to those in the audience who are “warming up on a low note” this morning. Have a “low note” to …
Nov 27 2022
Conversations
From the “Questions No One Is Asking” division: FWP: What do you think would happen if a jug band were to appear for a scheduled concert without its jug? Say if it was broken in an accident on the way over? CSO: Horror of horrors! FWP: Well, yes, but would the show go on? …
Oct 29 2022
Conversations
Life really is getting too complicated for the average schlump: FWP: Say, you know those fancy plug-‘em-in massage chairs? The kind that cost three of four thousand dollars? CSO: Yeah… FWP: What do you do if yours breaks down? CSO: Hm. FWP: Do you think there’s an industry of massage chair repairers? CSO: I …
Oct 06 2022
Conversations
They say laughter is the best medicine. I try not to argue with They; it tends to rebound unpleasantly. At the very least, laughter is an analgesic of sorts. It provides temporary relief from the ever-strengthening feeling that…well, that the only thing left to do is unpack the sniper rifle and the emergency stash …
Sep 23 2022
The Timeless Wisdom of Winnie The Pooh
As you’ve probably already concluded from my habit of stippling my pieces here with quotations, I’m always on the hunt for pithy sayings, clever epigrams, and thought-provoking observations. Brevity isn’t just the soul of wit; it also maximizes your chance of actually getting an idea through the ever-more-substantial blockades around others’ brains. Lately, I …
Sep 13 2022
Conversations
As I’ve mentioned before, the C.S.O. and I have been watching a great many British murder mysteries and police procedurals since we terminated our cable-TV subscription. Beth loves the genre, and I’m willing to go along with whatever viewing fare she prefers as long as it holds the trendy PC crap to a minimum. …
Sep 08 2022
I Almost Missed It!
Glory be to God! Today, as I’ve only just discovered, celebrates my favorite ASCII character: one without which a great many important phrases – including a lot of company names – would be both longer and less memorable: It’s World Ampersand Day! Yes, Gentle Reader, the mighty ampersand has been honored with a …
Aug 30 2022
Conversations
Overheard at a local tavern: 1st Guy: What time’s the AA Meeting? 2nd Guy: Three. 1st Guy: (glances at wall clock) We better get goin’. Sal’s bringing the doughnuts. 2nd Guy: The chocolate cream ones? 1st Guy: Yeah. 2nd Guy: (slams down his drink) Don’t wanna miss them! As a friend of mine …
Aug 25 2022
Prime Ministers Just Wanna Have Fun?
Well, maybe. Consider Finnish Prime Minister Sanna Marin: Finland’s Prime Minister is Sanna Marin, 36 years old and pretty. Over the last week or so, Marin has been caught up in a series of scandals–or are they pseudo-scandals? What is clear is that she likes to party, while her husband apparently doesn’t. …
Aug 06 2022
De Gustibus Dept.
This has been on the Web about 2317 billion times. Even so, I can’t help but laugh every time I see it: I suppose that makes me a little strange…or a Y-chromosome bearer. Whatever.
Jul 27 2022
Individuality And Sex
Is this or is this not a strange combination? *** Recently, Carl Trueman, a professor of Biblical and Religious Studies at Grove City College, released Strange New World, a study of contemporary notions of identity, with emphasis on the Sexual Revolution. The book is a condensation of his earlier book The Rise and …
Jul 17 2022
Conversations
This one just took place: FWP: Say, is Jamie Lee Curtis related to Tony Curtis? [spoiler alert: she’s his daughter] CSO: Why do you expect me to know? FWP: You’re the one who reads Entertainment Weekly. CSO: That subscription was by mistake! FWP: Yeah yeah, but you read it anyway. CSO: I don’t know. …
Jun 28 2022
Culinary Customs
Kenny “Wirecutter” Lane has a brief tale for us: My ex-wife slopped [mayonnaise] on everything. We went through more mayonnaise in a month than I did in a year before I met her. About the only thing I’ll use it on is a ham or bologna sandwich, but she’d slather it on …
Jun 22 2022
War Of The Cablecasters
If you don’t watch Tucker Carlson’s nightly “openings,” you’re missing some of the best and most entertaining commentary available: Ridicule, Alinsky tells us, is the unanswerable weapon. Ridicule of a self-described comedian who no longer even tries to be funny – the last time Stephen Colbert even made an attempt at humor was …
Jun 19 2022
For Fathers’ Day: The Husband Shop
It was a new establishment. Jane had only heard about it, but at the conclusion of her Saturday bachelorette’s shopping for the week, she decided to give it a look. After all, at age thirty a woman’s prospects have thinned considerably. It wasn’t that she could hear the biological clock ticking, but she was …
Fran’s Recent Novels
Margaret’s Recent Novels
